Recession Watch: Lloyd Dobbler Edition

I believe the job of "ORDER PROCESSOR" would be a double violation of the Lloyd Dobbler Career Guide to Happiness. To quote Rock and Roll 70s Sensation Meatloaf, "Two out of Three 'Aint Bad".

Although, as Fraternal Patriarch noted, "2012 seemed pretty processed."

Kickboxing - wave of the future.

Recession Musical Interlude- Old School VH1 Edition

Sometimes it fits the BILL

Coif it Up - Recession Concession

A Lady always secures her beloved 'do in place - protect those beloved tresses from the elements!

The hair is the richest ornament of women. ~Martin Luther 

Oh Luther, maybe the Lady is stamped after all!

When a Lady IS stamped by patriarchy/recession, certain financial concessions must be made: fewer martinis, stockings, blotting paper and rose water to name a few. However, there is one department in which the Lady simply cannot acquiesce - that would be her 4 trips per year to her beloved therapist's hairdresser's. 

"You Could Do This!" : Job Hunt Update

The Lady is ready to drop a mouse on the Patriarchy!

Ah Yes, the most optimistic words you can hear someone say when they are helping you look for a job. I could do so very many things in this world, even if that insane crazy bald man* who instructed me to be entrepreneurial also indicated to me that I had no marketable skills. What a great party!

Yesterday was a 2 vicodin day, as the Lady suffered a slight professional setback in the form of another job rejection.  

The Lady is having a tough time these days convincing the world that she'll essentially work for free makeup. Most jobs won't believe you'll be happy with half of what you used to make. I thought this would be a lovely bargaining chip but it's really resulted in a waste of bandwidth and feeling like you are talking to a Robot. 

My favorite PR Spin Move involved a delightful Public Servant from my Alma Mater asking "I don't even know why you're applying for this (entry level /public university/union) job". Clearly she had the luxury of not being aware of our state's most likely 20% Unemployment Rate.  I'm so jealous!

Here's a list of things I couldn't do:

Sr. Systems Analyst

Hospital Collections

Systems Engineer

Software Engineer

Japanese Egg Donor

Janitor

Assistant to CEO

Cashier/MeatCarver

Sperm Donor

Casino Cage Cashier

My favorite job title of late was "Infant Teacher" which of course, made me think of a 6-month old teaching a class on String Theory. I thought I could parlay the fact that I have somewhat decent language skills into this position until I saw they wanted a curriculum. 

For an Infant. 

To be continued....

*To clarify, "Crazy Bald Man" is not MY Paternal Patriarch. My cup runneth over enough to think that two fat bald men have independently sought me out to regale me of their artistic accomplishments while simultaneously insisting I have no talent. This is one Lucky Lady!

Little Fried

The Lady is a little zapped this AM due to horrible sleep. There's much going on which manifested in a looney dream involving the following:

• Shopping with the Duggar Family at Smart and Final for Deodorant. 
• The VFW Thanksgiving Dinner
• Purple Bugs

The end result was leaping out of bed in horror and launching beloved stuffed Pug, Pugsley across the room. He's still not talking to me.

Might need a vacation.

Yay, Team: Cautionary Tale

So very many notes for this Lady beyond the aesthetic. She must cool her jets!!!

Well Ladies, Bowl Season is almost here.  It is a time of passionate urgency, excitement and possibility. I find that it might be an excellent time to keep our emotions in check.

I have but a simple lesson for we Ladies as we establish our loyalties to our respective teams via tshirts, ballcaps, face paint, novelty hats, jerseys and posterboard from Michael's: An additional rule that is worthy of its own entry. A rule that perhaps transcends any and all particular sports yet might be considered in all aspects of our lives as we tackle adversity, whatever form it might take.

Pun Intended.

Simply, The Lady advises the assumption to never, ever be made that victory is ascertained half way through the game, for no matter what the deficit or victory margin may be.....

THERE IS ALWAYS A LOT OF FOOTBALL LEFT TO PLAY 

Regale the losers with your victory chants, abuses and screaming once the final buzzer sounds. Try not to beat them with the clever signs you've made touting their inadequacies.

But for God's sake, not at half-time.

Because THIS could always happen.

SSC: The Way We Were

"La La La La La La Can't Hear You!!!!"

Oh Barbara, Matriarchal emblem that you are. Every time I hear just a few bars of that lulling title theme song, I'm reminded of Kim Cattrall's pained expression during a particular Sex 'n the City episode in which the other three ladies croak a melodramatic version of "Memories...." and extol the virtues of the mother of all movies for Ladies.

The Lady won't lie. An actual viewing still prompts similar sentiments as poor Samantha's.

LIKE THE CORNERS OF MY MIND: OH, the forbidden romance that society will never understand. Blank, vacant, blond Robert Redford and scrappy, smart and crazy Barbara Streisand. She's a complicated Communist that society and 19 year old co-eds can't handle. He's the gorgeous college ROTC athlete who might have some artistic inclinations if the right woman make him believe it wouldn't be the emotional equivalent of an Ariel the Mermaid Rolly BackPack.

Babs waffles between enabling this gorgeous guy and sticking up for herself. True to life. Their relationship is a long shot from the get go, but isn't that 90% of its charm? Why do Ladies adore cinematic romances that can't possibly succeed?

CONS: Katie's a bit of an annoying Communist but we should admire her piss and vinegar. Redford's just plain blah and can't understand why she can't be less......her. Hmm. Could men possibly be that annoyed when we Ladies vocalize our passionate and well thought out opinions?! I won't believe it.

EYE CANDY FACTOR: Redford's just plain YUMMY - blond, athletic, clad in NAVY UNIFORMS! He's infinitely unattainable therefore exponentially yummy.  Extra points for copious period costumes, amazing hats, and Barbara's awesome poodle hair which I secretly wish I had.

FINAL VERDICT: The Lady has never been a huge fan of Barbara's, and that's hard to put aside. However, TWEWE is so soppy, pretty to watch and steeped with the smell of doomed love...all with a  confident and proud female lead character. Though you'd think with the boats, beaches and books they could have made it work. Alas, every Lady should see it once. Sans "Sex and the City" context.

Matriarchy scores again!- What Kind of Pie?

I'm a real Lady now!!!

Domestic Patriarch and the Lady headed out to their local VFW tonight for some cheap drinks and free lasagna. The Vets were really kind, happy to see some young whippersnappers, and the head of the Women's Local Chapter Ladies' Auxillary convinced the Lady to join! She couldn't help but oblige!

Domestic Patriarch and I will cut our teeth during this weekend's Disabled Veteran's Thanksgiving Dinner. Between Domestic Patriarch, Grandpa Ray Patriarch and Step-Father Patriarch the Lady has much to be thankful for and is excited to have found a way to give back!

Oh My stars, mayhaps the Lady was inspired by their Sunday trip to El Segundo's Old Town Music Hall!

Ebay Watch: Cardboard Belt Edition

Lowest Recession Inspired Purchase Point: Buying makeup on Ebay shipped from Dubai. DUBAI!

Yay,Team! Part Two or How to Care: Fabrication Edition

Sigh. Sometimes I don't even know who to root for. I bet YOU wish you had something to do during football games!

It's another lovely November Saturday all over the world. Babies are being born, flowers are blooming, the sweet smell of apple pie is wafting through Anytown, U.S.A.

And somewhere, a team of 100 kids are getting ready to be knocked around to the delight of the unwashed masses on another Game Day Weekend!

The Lady doesn't purport to care about ALL of Football but sometimes the Patriarchy is relentless in its passion for the game, worst of all ProBall. Lest the Matriarchy faint from boredom, lack of mental stimulation or simple confusion, The Lady returns with another guide with which to sift through any given weekend in Autumn:

We Ladies love drama.  Therefore, one must take what they know about the game in question and create a reason to root for one team and shun another - Sounds dangerously close to real life, wouldn't you say?

EXAMPLE: Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots. 

You Say: I'm a Lady from say, Denver or Los Angeles. Why would I care about either team?

Your Fabricated Drama : Well Domestic Patriarch's best friend's extended family is from Buffalo. He considers himself a native even though he grew up entirely in Alta Dena, and I do the same thing about being from New Jersey. I love DP's best friend therefore I will root for the Bills! But WAIT! that cad Tom Brady, the Pats' QB had the nerve! The very Nerve! to dump lovely Natasha from "Sex and the City" practically hours before she had their out of wedlock unborn son in order to vamp around with that tart Giselle Bunchen who's coming off a long relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio and for the love of all that's holy hasn't God bestowed enough good luck on that tall skinny Brazilian supermodel that she needs to ransack another woman's man who's a slimeball anyway? It's downright GALLING I tell you!

Your Team (for today): BUFFALO BILLS, hands down. We women must have standards, n'est-ce pas?

Example: Boston College vs. UNC

You Say: But I'm loyal to the Pac-10 and from Central Washington. Why would I care about either team?

Your Fabricated Drama: Your cousin, who lives in the same town, and you have had a bitter love/hate relationship for years so you choose to passive aggressively communicate in clipped phrases on Facebook. She went to Boston College just because her parents could afford it instead of the better local public university that you both got into and you've had to hear for years about how sweet the East Coast was which made you roll your eyes and cringe for the past 10+ years. But...UNC does think they are awfully sweet and come basketball season Dickie V. won't shut up about then and Duke, and well, there is this fine example of Method Acting.  Who to yell for?!

Your Team (for today): Eh, UNC. At least it's a public school. If you have to. Wow.

Hmmm. Let's try a harder example:

Example: Detroit Lions vs. Minnesota Vikings

You Say: I prefer oceans with my cities, thanks. So I have NO reason to root for Detroit or the Land of 1000 Lakes

Your Fabricated Drama is: Easier than you think. Your point of reference for Detroit is the failing big 3 automakers and "Out of Sight".  You have one friend who went to Michigan State but you've never really understood why.  However one of your very best friends strapped herself to the Minnesota Bandwagon YEARS before it was fashionable simply because she liked the uniforms. If this win would make her happy, then by all means go Vikings. And even though you think that if you knew more about football you might really hate Brett Farvre in principle he is kind of cute, and those Sears commercials have been so delightfully self-effacing. Domestic Patriarch loves Viking history - uh, actual Vikings. And at the risk of being redundant, you did recently find THIS. Those are fantastic Vikings! And heck - Brenda and Brandon Walsh hailed from Minnesota. Done and done!

Your Team (for today): Minnesota Vikings while wearing Brenda Walsh's high wasted mom jeans, a body suit and man's tie.

Example: UCLA vs. USC

You Say: I've got two brain cells to rub together.

Fabricated Drama: Nearly none. You always root for UCLA. There's always another chance for 13-9.

So you see, selecting a team to root for doesn't even necessarily require much actual knowledge about Football at all. I believe this logic is what has most Ladies winning Football Pools over their more knowledgeable Patriarchs.  Next week the Lady might try her hand at this methodology in the hopes of some scratch for a makeup run.

After all, we're in a recession.

6 months, 20 days, 100 applications

Inspired by an NPR letter quantifying a reader's job search, I figured the Lady could take stock:

# of Applications: 100

# of Interviews: 4

Earliest Interview Time: 7:30 am

Time I realized that job wasn't happening: 8:05 am

Time interview ended: 10:45 am

Oddest Job App: Referee Coordinator for AYSO

Didn't bother to finish the application for: The job at Otis School of Design that demanded skills in forklift driving.

Job I wish I got: Receptionist for covert, shady investment firm

Would this have been worth working for UCLA Basketball: "Ability to Maintain Composure in the face of resistance, indifference or hostility"

# of pies baked: 4

# of times I googled "Dr. Mario" to play online before closing the web browser in shame: 2

# of times I talked to Roomba: 5

# of times Roomba answered: 2

# of cycles of Beverly Hills 90210 that occur in 6 months, 20 days on SoapNet: 1.2

# of times Unemployment has asked me to list any job I've applied for: 0

Worst Domestic Patriarch suggestion: Be a Bus Driver

Best Domestic Patriarch suggestion:  Volunteer

# bottles of wine consumed: Too many to cite

Thing I still haven't done yet: hooked up the printer to my MAC.

Best 80s Name from Daytime Movies on E!: Sesame Plexor

Darkest TV Marathon preventing escape from House: MTV's Engaged and Underage

Moment of Most Severe Mental Breakdown:  Withholding possible unprecedented verbal abuse from the dolt at the City of Carson who claimed I was unqualified to be their part-time typist tied with Domestic Patriarch insisting I'm 4'5"

I'm proud I: finished a 10k and the triptych

I can't believe I: care about football and drink beer

Worst Netflix Movie Rented: Naked Lunch

Best Worst Netflix Movie Rented: MST3K Laserblast

Wisest Indirect Advice: You're going along, everything's fine, then BOOM! Life Kicks you in the Ass!

Worst Direct Advice: Something will work out!

I still need: a montage

Most Anal Retentive House Cleaning Task Performed: Cleaning the windowsills.

A strange bald man wearing loafers and no socks advised me recently to be enterprenurial when job hunting, and that the only real sport is baseball. He is completely wrong about baseball but he's probably right about the the hunt.

I do hope the next 6 months are fruitful, but in the meantime I've got a great cocktail of shame, pride, bad comedy, hearty libations and colorful company to help  Domestic Patriarch and myself enjoy our enterprenurial adventure.

The Man's In the Navy...

Happy Veteran's Day, especially to step-father Patriarch and Domestic Patriarch.

Domestic Patriarch and The Lady spent 3.5 years apart while DP toiled in the Navy: working hard, driving boats, eating candy, guarding oil platforms, kicking butt and taking names. DP is way too humble to ever toot his own horn, but the Lady is infinitely proud of his time in the Service. Don't be fooled by this photo of beloved DP ostensibly yelling at his Captain, Apollo Creed. He really is a lamb.

It wasn't always easy, and the Lady couldn't fathom doing it while married or with children.  She tips her feathered hat to all servicemen, servicewomen and their families who make such a tough job possible.

That being said, This is pretty much how I explained DP's absence most of the time.

Ladybugs!

 Happy 40th, Sesame Street. I realize I'm bandwagoning here, but I still say the topic of furniture and rugs has yet to be exhausted in the Lady/LadyBug community.

I'll try not to slurp!!!

The Lady will be off and running this afternoon to celebrate another graduating class of Little Ladies at the 2010 Pearls Tea Party. Click Here to find out more about this wonderful group I'm involved with!

SSC: "Twin Peaks" The Series

What better way to observe patriarchy's stamp in action by turning to the REAL American past time - Television!  SSC shall now officially cut its teeth on one of the Lady's favorite TV Series: "Twin Peaks" - Uncovering the killer of Laura Palmer. 


MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE: By all measures this show, in a different time might have ended up on the WB right after a threesome on Gossip Girl. Murder, Incest, Adultery, Betrayal, Lots of Sex, Gambling, Prostitution, Faked Deaths, Spousal Abuse, Motorcycles, Shut-Ins, Drug Addiction, Cheerleaders, Mistaken Identities, One-Armed Men, Serial Killings and Split Personalities all indicate a gritty, implausible, smutty and surely patriarchal narrative. How on earth would a Lady even consider this show?


The Lady cannot help but knowing where television resides today, this show holds up. Every character, is subtle, secretive and most importantly intelligent and self-sufficient. We viewers take our cue from Special Agent Dale Cooper - the true outsider sent to solve Laura's murder. His style doesn't take anyone in this tiny, odd town  for a fool or for granted.  He withholds judgement of each person he meets might have something to hide or offer, even the Log Lady.  If only we Ladies could be so even-handed!

However, the Matriarchy kind of has something its teeth into here - The Lady continues to marvel at the number of well written parts for women of all ages in this show that just doesn't seem to happen today. All play their age, all look their age, and all are fully clothed and yet still incredibly compelling, sexy and powerful. In Twin Peaks you don't disappear after 35.  Audrey Horn, Donna Hayward, Jocelyn Packard, Norma Jennings and especially Catherine Martell have their own agendas, regardless if  God or their parents or the law tell them otherwise. 


CONS: I can't pretend that I can explain all that goes on in this show.  The resolution of the main conflict seemed a little to convenient and supernatural to me, especially considering how well the show straddled the real and the surreal. I'll never really make sense of the Mill subplot n a coherent way. Additionally, the killer was revealed half way through the second season, so its easy to lose interest for the rest of the show, but the quirk kept me coming back for more. 


EYE CANDY FACTOR: GLORIOUSLY EVEN! With Kyle Maclachlan as our proud, principled and restrained tour guide, swooning is sure to follow. Local boys Bobby Briggs and James Hurley are delicious rebels too. A nice balance to the incredibly retro beauty of Sherilyn Fenn, Madchen Aamik and a fed Lara Flynn Boyle.  


FINAL VERDICT: SPLIT, with MATRIARCHY getting a slight edge: I still believe that this was the best forum for Lynch ever.  The restrictions of Network Television kept him from going too far off into the recesses of his own mind in terms of sexuality and just plain weirdness.  And while it's easy to peg him of late as just a strange guy who loves boobs and brunettes, I think think his thoughtful treatment of all his characters suggests motives that are more than just prurient. 


You would have liked to stamp us with this one, patriarchy, but the women of Twin Peaks are just to smart, savvy, ambitious, unapologetic, well dressed and driven to stamp us down completely:

 One woman can make you fly like an eagle, another can give you the strength of a lion, but only one in the Cycle Of Life can fill your heart with wonder and the wisdom that you have known a singular joy. 

Deputy Tommy 'Hawk' Hill

You can't win on SSC with quotes like that, patriarchy. Score one for the ladies.

Yay Team!

Patriarchal Oppression begins with Football. It's one big fat slow cooker of 300 lb men, shiny spandex, dog piles, chucking of pigskins and occasional eye-gouging  that occasionally lasts 6-8 hours.

This bizarre ritual has creeped into my heart over the past 3 years in insidiously useful ways. Turns out powder blue eyeshadow and a UCLA jersey go rather well together. Secondly, when I realized that I could simply project my emotional baggage upon the failure or success of 30 18-20 year olds getting the crap beat out of them, well gosh that's cheaper than therapy!

And we're in a Recession.

Let me break it down for Ladies just learning about this thoroughly confusing sport to the best of my abilities:

1. The zeal with which giant men will jump on each other will never be understood.

2. Exercise caution regarding "Football Minutes" - 2 minutes left in the 4th means you'll be stuck for another week and a half.

3. Science has yet to quantify the efficacy of yelling during the 3rd down.

4. Anything can happen. It's true.

5. You need to show up for the game. Like, not dressed as a clown or with a Scrabble Board.

6. Playing 4 quarters of good football is material.  

7. You need completions to get points on the board.

8. Getting points on the board is the only way to win a Football Game.

May our  beloved UCLA Bruins avidly tackle Jake Locker, leave the clown outfits and triple letter scores at home,  and put many points on the board.

Friends I've Made

Over the past six months of unemployment I've made many friends. A few are real, one or two are imaginary, and the following are those I've literally made since picking up that ultimate symbol of aged femininity (recently hijacked by hipsters) - the knitting needles. I realize the bandwagon left a while ago. Alas, here I am...

Clotted Cream not talking to anyone. So mad!

Bruin Meeces.

Icey Creams Pondering Life over some International Coffee

There's Clotted Cream!

Icey Creams and Rainbow Sherbet

Incoming!

Bird or Fish? You decide!

True Blue Bruin Mousie

Devoting many hours to finishing these little guys is something I'd never have done before this leisure time! When I finally go off the deep end they can be my serial killer calling card.

Breaking News Out of Finland!

As I search and search for jobs I have many thoughts. Some dark, some amusing and many inane.

How do I get involved in this groundbreaking study?

Smelling Salt Cinema : Beyond the Chick Flick

The Lady does love a good flick now and again. What better way to pass your time than to slide into the magical realm of cinematic escapism? And well, if vintage 80s John Cusack, mumbling Hugh Grant or super-swell Robert Downey Jr. are there to accompany your journey, far be it from me to protest!

I also love movies so bad they're FANTASTIC.

Thinking isn't too bad either, and I like it when movies make me do that too. Furrowing that brow from time to time doesn't always cause us to pass out in distress.

So with tongue in cheek, I'll call my movie notes "Smelling Salt Cinema" - an attempt to maybe bring some attention to the classics of yesteryear and those overlooked gems that might get the brain cells moving. And in keeping with the spirit of Le Recession, consider us at the mercy of Turner Classic Movies, Fox Movie Channel, IFC, Sundance and Netflix.

The fainting couch won't be necessary.

OOOH! I should write a blog!

Much like ipods, netflix and wide belts, I am woefully late to the blog game. At the adamant, somewhat drunken requests of Nadia and Nicole, the Lady has arrived to wade through the murky mental terrain of unemployment in search of a simpler time, a more refined time. An employed time. Welcome, Lovers!