Patriarchal Oppression begins with Football. It's one big fat slow cooker of 300 lb men, shiny spandex, dog piles, chucking of pigskins and occasional eye-gouging that occasionally lasts 6-8 hours.
This bizarre ritual has creeped into my heart over the past 3 years in insidiously useful ways. Turns out powder blue eyeshadow and a UCLA jersey go rather well together. Secondly, when I realized that I could simply project my emotional baggage upon the failure or success of 30 18-20 year olds getting the crap beat out of them, well gosh that's cheaper than therapy!
And we're in a Recession.
Let me break it down for Ladies just learning about this thoroughly confusing sport to the best of my abilities:
1. The zeal with which giant men will jump on each other will never be understood.
2. Exercise caution regarding "Football Minutes" - 2 minutes left in the 4th means you'll be stuck for another week and a half.
3. Science has yet to quantify the efficacy of yelling during the 3rd down.
4. Anything can happen. It's true.
5. You need to show up for the game. Like, not dressed as a clown or with a Scrabble Board.
6. Playing 4 quarters of good football is material.
7. You need completions to get points on the board.
8. Getting points on the board is the only way to win a Football Game.
May our beloved UCLA Bruins avidly tackle Jake Locker, leave the clown outfits and triple letter scores at home, and put many points on the board.
I'm glad we won that game against Rice: they WAITLISTED me!
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